Night in the Lonesome October Read online

  Then she got off me, picked up her clothes and disappeared in the direction of the bathroom. When she returned a few minutes later, she was dressed. She had brushed her hair. Her face was still flushed and she had a sort of happy, dazed look in her eyes.

  I’d gotten up and put my jeans on.

  We met at the door.

  ‘I’m gonna be a wreck tomorrow,’ she said.

  ‘You and me both.’

  She put her arms around me and gave me a quick kiss. ‘Gotta go.’

  I nodded. ‘See ya.’

  ‘Tomorrow, okay?’

  ‘Sure.’

  I opened the door for her and watched her walk light-footed and bouncy through the dim, silent hallway. She swung her arms. Her hair danced and swayed. Her jauntiness reminded me of the mystery girl. At the top of the stairs, she turned and waved.

  I waved back. Then I listened for a while to make sure nobody intercepted her.

  When I heard the front door of the building latch shut, I realized that I should’ve walked her down and out to her car.

  She’ll be all right, I thought.

  Worried, though, I hurried through my apartment to a window in my kitchen that had a view of the street. From there, I watched Eileen climb into her car and drive away.

  I just stood there staring down at the empty street for a long time after she was gone.

  Trying to make sense out of what had happened.

  But mostly feeling empty and pleased with myself and astonished by Eileen, and more than a little bit worried about where it would lead.

  Chapter Eight

  I woke up in bed with my room full of daylight. The other half of my bed was empty where Holly should’ve been. I pictured her lying there asleep, curled on her side, loops of russet hair dangling across her face. On mornings before she woke up, her face always seemed soft and very young so that she looked like a sleeping child.

  A feeling of sadness and longing came over me.

  I wondered if there might be a way to get Holly back.

  It didn’t seem likely. But even if she gave up her Jay and returned to me, it wouldn’t be the same. She was different, now. Or maybe she was the same as she had always been, but now she had shown her true self.

  Her true, horrid self.

  The only good way to have Holly in my life from now on would be to remember how it had been before the summer came. When she was asleep in the bed beside me, for instance.

  The telephone rang.

  With a groan, I turned over. The alarm clock on my nightstand showed 11:48.

  It was set to go off at noon.

  As the phone kept ringing, I climbed out of bed and hurried into the living room. I was naked. But the sunlit rooms were warm, the curtains were shut and nobody was here to be shocked so I didn’t bother to put anything on.

  On my way to the phone, I stepped where I’d been down on the carpet last night with Eileen on top of me. I suddenly had a pretty good idea who was calling.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Hi, Eddie.’ I wasn’t wrong. ‘Are you up and at ’em yet?’

  ‘Oh, yeah.’

  ‘I didn’t want you to oversleep and miss your one o’clock. Horrible Hatchens would be devastated.’

  I almost smiled. ‘Oh, yeah, she’d miss me.’

  ‘It’s almost noon.’

  ‘Getting there. I’d better put it in gear.’

  Silence.

  Here it comes.

  ‘So,’ she finally said. ‘How are you this morning?’

  ‘Not too bad, I guess. How about you?’

  She hesitated, then said, ‘Pretty good.’

  Another silence.

  After a while, Eileen said, ‘So ... do you want to get together later on?’

  I tried to put some enthusiasm in my voice. ‘Sure. That’s a good idea.’

  ‘Maybe we could go somewhere and get a burger or something.’

  ‘Sounds good.’

  ‘Why don’t we meet at your place? I think it might look a little funny if you came over to the sorority ... like I’m trying to take Holly’s place, or something.’

  And of course you’re not.

  ‘I mean, everyone knows everything about you two over here.’

  ‘Ah. Yeah.’

  ‘So it might be better if you and I keep things to ourselves for a little while. Don’t you think?’

  ‘Good idea,’ I said.

  ‘So why don’t I come by your place at around five or six? Maybe we can drive somewhere far enough away so everyone won’t know our business.’

  Somewhere far away ...

  Suddenly, I was interested.

  ‘There’s an Italian place over by Dandi Donuts,’ I said. ‘How about there?’

  ‘Great. So I’ll pick you up around five and we’ll drive out.’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Okay, great. I’ll see you then.’

  ‘Great.’

  ‘Now don’t be late for class.’

  ‘Thanks for the wake-up call.’

  ‘Bye-bye, Eddie.’

  ‘So long.’

  I hung up and headed for the bathroom. I used the toilet, then took a shower. In the shower, I tried to figure things out.

  Mainly, what’ll I do about Eileen?

  I liked her and I really liked what we’d done in my living room last night. In fact, I started to get hard just thinking about it.

  But I didn’t love her. I didn’t want her moving in with me. I didn’t want to marry her. I didn’t want her to bear my children ...

  What if she’s already pregnant?

  Nah, I thought. We only did it once.

  Once can be enough.

  I hadn’t used a condom. Had she used anything?

  Sweet, sensitive Holly’s idea of birth control had consisted of good timing, pulling out, and luck ... apparently she didn’t want to dignify her lust by admitting it to a doctor or pharmacist. She wouldn’t let me use condoms, either. According to Holly, she wanted to feel me inside her. That suited me fine, since I hated condoms, too. As a result, though, we’d had a couple of good scares when her period didn’t show up on time.

  Sharing such scares with Holly had brought us closer ... or so I’d felt.

  But I didn’t want that sort of closeness with Eileen.

  I’ve gotta get out of this, I thought.

  Sure, but how?

  I gave it all sorts of thought as I finished my shower, dried off, had myself a cup of instant coffee and a chocolate pop tart, then brushed my teeth, got dressed, gathered my books and headed for campus.

  Some stuff just isn’t simple.

  Maybe she isn’t after any sort of commitment, I kept telling myself. She knows how much I loved Holly. She must know I don’t love her. Maybe she only did that last night to cheer me up.

  Yeah, right.

  I should be so lucky.

  I never am.

  By the time I entered Dexter Hall, generally called the English Building, I’d decided that honesty is always the best policy. I would simply have to confront Eileen and tell her my true feelings.

  ‘I’m afraid I don’t love you, Eileen. I wish that I could, but ... I don’t think I’m capable of love anymore ... not after Holly.’

  The words felt true to me.

  But they sounded in my head like a crock of shit

  There’s no good way out of this, buddy.

  Entering the seminar room, I smiled at Dr Hatchens. She smiled back at me. It was one of those snide smiles. ‘I’m glad you were finally able to join us, Mr Logan.’

  I was two minutes late.

  ‘I’m sorry, Dr Hatchens.’

  ‘And so are we all,’ she said.

  And I thought, Things could always be worse. At least I didn’t get maneuvered last night into fucking Horrible Hillary Hatchens.

  I had a hard time paying attention. Focusing on Othello isn’t so easy when you’ve got wench troubles of your own.

  Dr Hatchens knew I was in trouble, too.
/>   ‘Would you like to contribute an opinion, Mr Logan?’

  ‘He loved not wisely but too well.’

  I managed a feeble smile. Some of the other English majors laughed, but Dr Hatchens wasn’t amused. ‘It might behoove you to pay attention in the future.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘We know.’

  Shit.

  Chapter Nine

  While I waited for five o’clock, my stomach hurt. Not from hunger, though. From nerves.

  I’d decided to break it off.

  Not even go to the restaurant with Eileen. Just tell her quickly, as gently as possible, and get it over with.

  I’d been ready for her ever since about four. From then on, I couldn’t study, couldn’t focus on anything except our approaching confrontation.

  I practiced speeches in my head.

  They all seemed amazingly lame.

  Just tell her the truth, I thought. She’ll understand.

  She’ll understand, all right.

  In my mind, I could see the pain in her eyes. The tears. She said, ‘But Eddie, I love you. I thought you loved me, too.’

  Or, ‘Isn’t it a little late to be telling me this?’

  Or, ‘Fuck me and dump me, is that it?’

  Or, ‘Go to hell. You’re a lousy lay, anyhow.’

  I imagined her saying plenty of other things, too ... none of them pleasant.

  Sometimes, I imagined trying to comfort her. Other times, I lost my temper. ‘You seduced me last night. You plotted the whole thing. Now that Holly’s out of the way, you made the big play to get me for yourself. I lost my head and gave in. Which is what you counted on. But it isn’t going any further. It’s over. It’s finished. I don’t WANT you.’

  Thinking that sort of thing, I cringed.

  Five o’clock came and went.

  I continued to stew.

  Terrific. Now she’s late. She doesn’t even think enough of me to show up on time. This’ll make it a lot easier.

  At ten after, the buzzer rang and my stomach jumped. Heart hammering, I walked to the intercom. My legs felt weak. I seemed to be trembling all over. I pushed the button and said into the speaker, ‘Yes?’

  ‘It’s me.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll buzz you in.’ I pushed the button to unlock the building’s front door. Then I opened the door of my apartment and waited for Eileen.

  I heard a quiet ‘Hi’ from her, probably addressed to the Fishers as she walked past their open door. Then her footsteps were hurrying up the stairway. She appeared at the top of the stairs, gave me a smile and came striding toward me.

  She wore a white blouse with the sleeves rolled up her forearms, a short tartan kilt that swished around her thighs, green knee socks and loafers.

  ‘Missed you,’ she said and stepped into my arms. She hugged me very hard at first, squeezing me against herself. Then she relaxed her hold and kissed me gently on the mouth.

  ‘I’m really sorry I’m late,’ she said. ‘I couldn’t get my car started.’

  ‘That’s all right.’

  ‘I guess we’ll have to change our dinner plans. Unless you want to walk out to the restaurant.’

  ‘How did you get here?’

  ‘Walked. That’s why I’m a little late.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘I got an early start or I would’ve been really late.’

  ‘What’s the matter with your car?’

  ‘Dead battery, I guess.’ She gave me a grimace that was so exaggerated that I had to smile. ‘I left my headlights on overnight.’

  ‘How’d you manage that?’

  ‘I had a lot on my mind.’ She laughed softly and kissed me again. ‘Anyway, we can walk out to that restaurant if you want to. Might be fun.’

  ‘Seven miles,’ I reminded her.

  ‘Mmm. Maybe not so fun. A total of fourteen, right?’

  ‘We could go someplace closer,’ I said.

  ‘What if we call out for pizza?’

  Memories came pounding in. Many times, I’d phoned for a pizza delivery for Holly and me so we wouldn’t need to go anywhere, just stay together, all by ourselves in my apartment.

  We’d done it sometimes when Eileen was here, too.

  ‘I guess we could do that,’ I told her.

  We decided on a large pepperoni pizza, and I made the call. ‘It’ll be half an hour,’ I told her.

  ‘I’ve got an idea. You wait here. I’ll run out and pick up a bottle of wine. We’ll make a party of it.’

  ‘I’m under age.’

  ‘Oh, I know. You poor, dear thing.’ Smiling, she patted my cheek. ‘That’s what I’m for. I’ll be back in a jiff.’

  So off she went.

  I found my wallet and took out enough money for the pizza and a tip. Then I sank onto the sofa and stared into space.

  I can’t just dump her, I thought. The least I can do is wait till after we’ve eaten. No point in ruining that. We’ll have the pizza and drink some wine. It’ll be easier afterward.

  Soon, Eileen arrived with a bottle of Merlot and the pizza. ‘We both got here at the same time,’ she explained.

  I tried to give her the money. She shook her head. ‘It’s on me.’

  ‘No, it’s not.’

  ‘Hey, this was all my idea. It’s my treat.’

  ‘No, come on. Take it.’

  ‘You can pay next time.’

  As if there would be a next time.

  ‘Well,’ I muttered. ‘Okay.’

  I opened the bottle. Not having any wineglasses, I took out a couple of tumblers and half filled them.

  ‘Where do you want to eat?’ Eileen asked.

  Holly and I always used to eat our pizza in the living room, sitting cross-legged on the floor. Eileen knew that.

  ‘We can eat at the table if you want,’ she said.

  ‘The floor’ll be all right.’

  She frowned slightly. ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘If you’d rather sit at the table...’

  ‘I always liked the floor.’ She let out a quiet laugh. ‘For eating pizza. That’s what I meant.’

  ‘Sure.’

  She laughed again. ‘The floor it is,’ she said.

  So we took everything out to the living room. Eileen placed the pizza box on the floor. She sat on one side of it and I sat across from her.

  Glass in hand, she reached forward and toasted, ‘To the good times that aren’t all gone.’

  ‘Okay,’ I said.

  We clicked our glasses together, then drank. Then Eileen opened the pizza box. As steam drifted up, we reached in and pulled out slices of pie that were dripping with strings of melted cheese.

  The pizza was delicious. The wine was cool and slightly tart. While I ate and drank, I had a difficult time not staring at Eileen’s legs. They were sheathed in the green socks nearly to her knees, then bare most of the way up from there.

  ‘So how did Shakespeare go?’ she asked.

  ‘I was a couple of minutes late.’

  ‘Uh-oh.’

  ‘And then I couldn’t think straight. My mind kept wandering.’

  ‘Guess you didn’t get enough sleep last night.’

  ‘How about you?’ I asked.

  She shook her head. ‘It was all I could do to stay awake during my ten o’clock. I tried to take a nap this afternoon, but couldn’t pull it off. Too keyed up, I guess.’

  ‘Keyed up? About what?’

  ‘What do you think?’

  I just looked at her.

  Suddenly blushing, she said, ‘I never meant for things to go that way last night. I keep thinking... it must’ve looked so calculated. But it wasn’t. If you think I planned to ...’ She shook her head. ‘I didn’t. I just wanted to be your friend, try to help you. You were obviously so miserable about Holly ... That’s why I drove out to the donut shop. And then I really did need to use your john. It must’ve looked like an excuse to get inside your apartment, but it wasn’t. I really had to go. But then ... I don’t know.’ S
he took another drink of her wine, then shrugged. ‘I just suddenly ... I wanted to make things better. For both of us. I just suddenly wanted you. So I... you know, took off my stuff in the bathroom.’

  ‘Well, it sure made my night.’

  ‘Glad to hear it.’ A sheepish look on her face, she said, ‘Anyway, I just wanted you to know. In case you were wondering. You weren’t the victim of a wily, plotting female. Not really.’ Then she took another drink of wine.

  ‘I never thought I was. Not really.’

  Her smile lasted only a moment. Then she said, ‘I also want you to know ... I don’t expect anything from you. I didn’t do that last night to trap you. It just happened, you know? It doesn’t mean we have to start going together, anything like that. I have no intention of forcing myself on you.’ Her smile flickered. ‘Not again, anyway.’

  ‘It wasn’t so bad.’

  ‘Glad to hear it. But anyway, I know you’re not in love with me. Okay? I don’t expect you to love me. I can’t take Holly’s place. Not in your heart. I know that. It’s not what I’m after.’

  ‘What are you after.’

  ‘I just ...’ Her eyes went shiny. ‘I just don’t want you to be miserable, okay?’ With the back of a hand, she wiped her eyes. ‘It hurts me ... what she did to you. And to see you so ... lonely and desolate. It just hurts. I want you to be happy, not ...’ She really started crying. ‘Shit,’ she gasped. Shaking her head fiercely, she set down her wineglass and got to her feet.

  I stood up as she went to the door. ‘Eileen ...’

  ‘I’ve ... gotta go. I’m sorry.’ She opened the door.

  I hurried toward her, but she raised a hand.

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘Don’t.’

  I stopped.

  She stood in the doorway, her back to the hall, crying and shaking her head. ‘I didn’t come here to... Never mind. I feel like ... such an idiot. I’m sorry. I don’t know ... what I was thinking.’

  ‘Who does?’ I said. ‘Why don’t you come back in? We’ll have some more pizza and finish the wine...’

  ‘No.’ She raised her head, sniffed, and wiped her eyes. ‘God. I’m sorry. I’ve gotta go.’ She suddenly looked around. Then, raising her hand again like a cop halting traffic, she came forward and sidestepped over to where she’d left her purse. She picked it up. On her way back to the door, she said, ‘See you sometime. I guess. If you want.’